The Window to My Soul

For months I’ve been intending to take my shot at blogging. Unfortunately, the realities of life have a way of interfering with some of the most important things. However, now that the bustle of classes has slowed for the holidays, I’ve decided to focus my efforts and take a headlong leap into the blogosphere.

More than anything, I intend to blog for myself. I’ve made a lot of personal progress over the last year or two but I feel that I have little to show for it. My thoughts and experiences have gone largely undocumented as I have allowed them to disappear into the recesses of my memory. It is my hope that this blog will serve as a reminder of my personal growth as I embark on the adventures that await throughout my life. At the same time, I welcome the feedback that I may get and friendships that I may form as others read my words and take the time to get to know me. Reading of others’ experiences has allowed me to process much of what I have experienced. It is my hope that I can in some way contribute as others move through this same process of defining a sense of self.

An Anniversary and a New Beginning

This week marks one year since I came out to my parents. A year ago tonight I was sitting in front of this same computer screen typing out the words that I didn’t feel that I could adequately express in conversation with my parents. Through writing, I was able to spend days working on articulating and editing what I imagined would be one of the most heartbreaking admissions of my life. It had been almost 23 years in the making, but I was finally ready to begin admitting to my homosexuality. As I reflect on what I wrote to my parents in that pivotal letter, I can’t help but recognize the progress that I’ve made in the past year. That original letter was one of distress, sadness, self-loathing, and despair. It was my cry for help. It was my final attempt at trying to “conquer” my homosexuality so that I could move forward as a “normal” heterosexual man. Now, as I sit typing my first blog entry, I feel different. No longer do I hate myself for my orientation. This year has been one of newfound peace, happiness, and learning to truly love myself. While I recognize that my coming out process has only just begun, I’m realizing that I can be at peace with the outcome. It is my hope that my future blog entries will stand as a testament to the progress that I make with regards to defining myself and carving out my niche in the world.

My Conservative Roots

Religion has played an important role in my life and, consequently, has served as one of my greatest sources of both comfort and inner conflict. I’ve always been a good Mormon boy. My desire to please my parents and my Heavenly Father has led me to make many important decisions in my life. Much of my personal growth has come as a result of my religious and spiritual pursuits. I count my full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints among the most formative experiences of my life. The Church has been an influence for good in my life, and for this I believe that I will be forever grateful. Having said that, I must at the same time acknowledge the Church and the culture that it fosters to be among my greatest promoters of dissonance and self-loathing.

This inner conflict has provided me with the motivation to begin living a more authentic life. It is my belief that true happiness is found in living a genuine life out of conviction rather than living a false reality out of guilt and fear. Thus, I begin a new chapter of my life. This blog represents my (hopefully) organized approach at documenting the process of personal discovery that will continue to shape my future. I hope that it will ultimately serve to demonstrate From Whence I’ve Come.